Abuse — to hurt, damage, impose and dominate another by physical or emotional means

We often look at abused women, or people who are being abused and wonder why they stay in the relationships

I can partly fully understand this now

I sat contemplating this for many years

And last night or this morning, I had a dream

I dreamt about being stuck in such a thing

Stuck in a life or scenario where things were not happy

Or well

And I knew this

I understood that this was not good for me

And wanted to change my situation

Yes, I was stuck in childhood

Or teen hood, and was quitting school

Not to not go to school

But to change school to give me a better chance at life

I resigned from school on my own, and was trying to enrol into another school

I remember asking my parents if they would allow me to do so

Even though I was doing this myself

I was looking for guidance from them

But there was no guidance

My dad had lost his rifle and was blaming me for it

No support

There I was a teen and I needed to be an adult and manage myself

Manage my life

I was trying to control while bring controlled

Life was not a simple process

Life was living in a world where I had no real choices

My fate was decided for me

And at the same time I was not supported at all

Materially dominated and life managed

But my safety and emotions were left for dead

These were mine to manage in the terrifying world

I was trapped within an invisible prison

Borders were there

But I was free to run within this little enclave in this world

Dominated

Subservient and screaming to be held or taught how to be free and live in this world

like an abused wife

I too was an abused little person

And so when I fell in love I chose an abuser

As this was the only reality that I really knew

To have love and be abused at the same time

All the joy while under control

I knew it was wrong

I knew it was bad for me

I had fun being abused because it was the norm

I knew nothing else

But also I did know it was wrong

And that I should get out

But this is where it gets so messed up

Because I was raised abused and dominated

I did not know how to get out of

I had the intellectual capacity

But not the tools to do it in real life

Nor the confidence

I just got abused

Treated like dirt

Loved, fucked and held

But dirt

Not her fault

She came from similar cloth

My parents and world were too busy with their own lives to notice that I was being abused

That something was horribly wrong

No one took me aside and asked if all was okay

I needed them to ask me if I was okay

Because I wasn’t fucking okay

They just unknowingly coalesced my fucked up world into their control

I see my dream and my past are the same thing

My subconscious showing me that I needed to get out

But I did not know how to

Its odd to think that you know that things are bad

And you want to get out

But you don’t know how to get out

Its something that the rational mind cannot really comprehend

I think you need to be a victim to be able to understand the victim

To be trapped by invisible walls

Locked in a world that is here, but to there

Invisible to the outsiders

But so very close to the victim

I was a victim

Its odd to hear me say this to myself

I was abused

I was that battered man

A man!

A battered man

It’s an eerie feeling when you feel this reality

I was abused

I was a beaten scorned whimpering housewife

In my teens at that

The element of shame is palpable

It resonates

Infiltrates

I feel it in my shoulders and arms

Shame

I was a beaten housewife

I can say it now

It no longer hurts me

I have shame without he shame

I think other victims will understand this statement

Years lost to suffering

Then years lost to regret

Then years lost to coping or fleeing from the reality of being abused

Do I laugh

Do I cry do I melt down into pile of brooding misery

I don’t know

I don’t think so

My mind is good

My life is happy

I am strong

I am more than strong

I am me

There is just this measure of lingering past that hangs around form time to time

But I guess this is normal

Have tea with your past I tell me now

Embrace it and hold that damaged past

Hug it

Comfort it

You are not your past

You are your now

There can only be now

But the past affects the now

So hold it

Be kind to it and tell it you love it

Break down the pasts invisible prison

Forgive it

Abused

Abused

What an absurd thing

How could I have been abused

I could

I was

Tormented by her

By them

Hate and loved

And could not get out

The hole was 6 inches deep

Yet I could not climb out

The victim

A victim

A man

Now a man

A dad

A husband

A friend

Yin and yang

The same person

Once abused and now not

You would never guess when looking at me

When talking to me

This big man

Abused

I smile when thinking this

Its funny really

How bizarre life can be

Abused

Now amused

Its all really what we want it to be

Abused

Amused

Abused

Amused

Joy breaks across my face

Abused

Amused

Its okay

No

Really its okay

I can see how I got trapped into it

Wrapped and delivered by no fault of anyone

Just generational damage

All the user manuals

But no tools

Its okay

I can see it now

It no longer carries any power over me

You would not believe it

But it was there

Onions, the lot of us